Portland so far

PDX Day 1: My stupidest accomplishment
PDX Day 2: Happy hour indeed
PDX Day 3: Portland so far
PDX Day 3.2: FUPD has assumed control
PDX Day 4: Laughs, libations, and lost chances
PDX Day 5: Cherubs, rainbows, and unicorns shitting Portland glitter cupcakes
PDX Day 6: Homebound

I found Jesus. He was hiding under the Hawthorne Bridge in Portland.

I’ll be writing more about my experiences in Portland, but only after I get back home and can import some related photos into my blog. In the mean time, I thought I’d check in and share an epiphany I just had:

There are a couple of agenda items I intend to check off during my trip here:

  • visit my friend Jason
  • co- host Zak’s radio show
  • do stand up comedy
  • shoot a couple of models
  • go out on the town rocking the heels and hosiery
  • ride in the World Naked Bike Ride

This afternoon has been a time of preparation.  I took my bike out for a ride through the Alberta Arts District, to make sure it’s ready for Saturday.  I don’t want to get stuck with a broken down bike while butt ass naked in the middle of Portland.   I just finished calling around and found the comedy club I’ll be playing at tomorrow night: the Mount Tabor Theater.  I am going to have some very special company there to see me (I befriended 80’S rock star Tommy TuTone and his wife yesterday, long story for another blog post); they want to come see my comedy set. Zak and his girlfriend will be there. I’m nervous as fuck to perform in front of these people.  I’m stewing over what  to wear to the club.  I’m dragging my feet on getting these shoots with the models set up.  ANYWAY… what I’m trying to say is that I’m feeling very uncomfortable. I don’t know why I insist on putting myself in these ridiculous positions.  Why can’t I just go and have a nice, relaxing, mellow vacation like normal people?  Noooooo!  I have to go do things that would humiliate my parents, children, and many other people who claim to be my friends. Why am I always doing stuff that makes me uncomfortable?  WHY?  Why am I so damn fascinated with things that take me right to the edge of catastrophic failure?

And here came the epiphany:

I don’t feel like I deserve to be comfortable.

Yeah, you can say things like, “It’s because you like to live large!  It’s because you have no fear!”  I think those things are well meaning, but honestly… I think it’s because on some level I hate myself and can’t allow myself to just have a nice time.   I insist on doing things the hard way. My childhood was not comfortable. My family of origin was not comfortable.  Uncomfortable = normal.  And so… many of my hobbies and bad habits are geared to deprive me of comfort on some level.  Understanding this, I feel really… fucking… stupid.

Anyway, seriously… I’m having an AWESOME time here in Portland!

Seriously. Very pleasant.  Really enjoying myself.

…in a self loathing kind of way.

But really. I’m having a fantastic time 🙂

God I hope I don’t say anything really stupid on the air tonight.



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