I went to church

Hey guys, I went to church yesterday.
…. and last week
…. alone
…. and I met with my bishop.
It’s been 10 years since I’ve done any of that.

Normally, this kind of thing is nobody’s business.
I cannot believe how difficult it has been for me to write this.
For the past ten years, I have been an outspoken critic of the church. (Which church? All of them. Organized religion is inherently corrupt. I just happen to grow up as a Mormon). I have talked SO much shit on the LDS Church, I have “helped” so many people let go of their faith in it…
…. that I feel like the only way I can look myself in the mirror as an honest man, is to put this out there.

Here’s the short of it:
I feel this sense of being on the edge of something great in my life. (You glass empty people will call it a “glass ceiling”). I’ve had several messengers come to me and instruct me that the secrets to advancing in life are to be found in my shadow self.

Psychologist Carl Jung’s taught the idea that the things that irritate us in other people, are simply reminders and reflections of parts of ourselves that we have not become comfortable with – ie, your “shadow”. That’s where you tuck away the things you want to ignore.

It means, the things in life that keep bothering me, are the things I’m afraid to let myself feel.

It means that there’s a lie happening inside of me somewhere. Lies are tied to truths. Like the story line of any good video game, the more valuable the level-up item, the harder it is to get.

It means I’m insanely interested in finding this truth that’s hiding in the cobwebs of my shadow.

It means that I have realized that the church has been a MASSIVE mirror in my life. I’m completely uninterested in arguments about whether this or that church is “true”. That’s the wrong question to be asking, anyway.

It means that my view of “church” has changed a lot.
It means I’ve allowed the church, it’s leaders, and members, to be imperfect humans, and to stop expecting miracles from them.
The LDS Church is such a mess these days, and it’s getting worse, and it will become even worse yet. I’m there despite their moronic political moves, devastating policies and ludicrous public image.

It means I’m there to figure out why it kept me angry for ten years.

It means everything that Maynard James Keenan of Tool said when he wrote “46 and 2”

“My shadow’s shedding skin and I’ve been picking scabs again.
I’m down digging through my old muscles
Looking for a clue.

I’ve been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could’ve been.
I’ve been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in.
I wanna feel the changes coming down.
I wanna know what I’ve been hiding in

My shadow –
Change is coming through my shadow.
My shadow’s shedding skin
I’ve been picking my scabs again.

I’ve been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could’ve been.
I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I’ve endured within

My shadow
Change is coming.
Now is my time.
Listen to my muscle memory.
Contemplate what I’ve been clinging to.
Forty-six and two ahead of me.

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through.

I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through.

See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me.
Soften this old armor.
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side.
Step into the shadow.
Forty six and two are just ahead of me.”

Here is the song for any who are interested


Self Portrait; 2012. Sitting in the church I grew up in. Logan 2nd Ward

My beliefs haven’t changed. I believe in a Divine Source. We can have a personal connection to it. All humans come pre-wired with an equal opportunity to have powerful connections to the Divine. God doesn’t pick favorites. I believe that our purpose in life is to become more masterful creators. Jesus was a super cool guy who truly understood what it’s all about and taught it better than anyone ever has. Ben Franklin was inspired when he said that “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
I’m ordained as a Dudeist Priest in the Church Of The Latter-day Dude, too.
RUSH is the greatest band of all time.
Anyway, spiritually speaking, that’s about all I’ve got.

So… what am I doing at church?
….long, boring, sleepy, church?
I’m stepping through my shadow.


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