Being a detective is SO HARD!

Okay, before you read any further, I want you to queue up some sexxxaay porno music. Or maybe some Barry White. Or the Bee Gees.

What you are about to read is not, in fact, my latest porno screen play.  This is an actual story from the heart of Mormondom, Salt Lake City, Utah.  It’s the story of working so hard to protect and serve the citizens of Salt Lake City from the dangers of the world…

Dim the lights.

Let’s be honest, you might want to even lock the door and make sure you can have a little “alone time” while with the computer, my blog, and this very sensual story…

Just like any experienced porn aficionado will do, I’ve fast forwarded to all the really good parts in this story, originally reported by the Salt Lake Tribune: …for your reading pleasure:

It’s a well known fact that certain massage parlors offer a happy ending, and other extra services, which effectively turn them into prostitutes. Salt Lake City Police Department has a “vice squad” that investigates things like prostitution and alcohol violations.  Recently, some “vice detectives” were “investigating” some local alleged masseuse – prostitutes.

The detective was on his back. The prostitute was above him.

“I kissed her breasts and nipples, as there was no place for my face to go,” the undercover detective wrote in his report of a 2011 vice sting.

Oh yeah baby…. mmmm…..  Oh yes, of course, there was no other choice but to pucker up and kiss those beautiful titties.  He had no choice!  Yes, we’ve all been in that unfortunate position before. It’s a so hard of a spot to be in.  The story continues…

One of the procedural mistakes Salt Lake City police made: Detectives in at least three cases in 2011 violated the department’s “no touch policy.”

Oopsie.  A “procedural mistake”.  I’m sure that’s how he described his hard day at work to his wife, too:  “Honey, the methods and procedures for investigating crimes like this are so hard, so complex, looks like I misunderstood one of the procedures. Hey, everyone makes mistakes.”

The review board report emphasized the errors appeared to have been made honestly and there was no criminal or malicious intent.

…as contrasted with maliciously kissing delicious, perky nipples. That’s an entirely different matter.

As far as touching suspects, reports from the review board indicate part of the problem was that vice detectives didn’t know which policies they were operating under.

OH, of course.  It’s so hard to keep track of whether you are operating under the motorboating policy or the cum-on-her-tits policy. It’s so hard to keep it all straight, it’s totally understandable how these upstanding officers made an innocent mistake while protecting and serving the citizens of Salt Lake City.

Old policies said undercover detectives could engage in some touching of suspects if they reported it afterward to their supervisors.

Oh, I’m sure that is really effective…

“Hey Sarge? Can I talk to you for a minute before the shift is over?  YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE TITTIES ON THIS BITCH!! WOO HOO!!!  And yes, I took pictures for your personal spank bank.  She’s got to be a solid 7.5.  What? Officer Nelson got jerked off by a 9 last week? I’m determined to hold the station record. Oh well, I guess this is one investigation with a very happy ending.  I’ll just work even harder next week.”

[officers high five each other, fist bump, and call their wives to tell them they’ll pick up some KFC on the way home from work for dinner]
say NO to crack, kids.

 ….some detectives who worked undercover to catch prostitutes and illegal masseuses were confused about whether a small amount of touching was allowed and how they were supposed to prove their case in court if there had been no physical contact with the suspects.

So confusing. I do pity the peace officers who must keep all of these rules and regulations straight. It must be so hard to protect and serve…

“Well, Your Honor, if I didn’t force her to body to inappropriately touch mine, how else would we be able to call her a prostitute?

In the Dec. 2, 2011, case of the detective who kissed the prostitute’s breasts, he argued it was not a policy violation since he had no control over her placing her breasts in his face.

Oh, sure. Just like how I have no control over the Jaeger bombs pouring down my throat at the bar, just before I get behind the wheel to drive. The bar tender kept offering them to me!

On the same day the detective’s face was in the prostitute’s breasts, an undercover detective violated department policy by touching a masseuse’s vagina while she was rubbing him…

Maybe I’ll start a “massage parlor” and hope that they re-staff the “vice squad” with hot, horny girl cops…

Uh…. I wonder if the police department is hiring? Something tells me I would be awesome at this job.

The masseuse later told the review board investigator she believes the detective sexually assaulted her. 

Ya think so??

Burbank [SLC Police Chief] said the detective was not prosecuted in court. “It did not rise to criminal conduct,” Burbank said.

Uh huh.

Being a police officer is so hard





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