Why I suck at online dating

I have no idea.

I used to meet A LOT  of women online. I am still great friends with many of them. Some of my favorite dating experiences have come from dating sites.  That was a few years ago, though.  I attracted a divorce into my life by being an immature milquetoast.  I attracted another relationship into my life that ended in huge amounts of betrayal and profound heartbreak.  I don’t blame these women for my problems – I attracted and welcomed them into my life.  I was the problem.  I decided to get serious about improving my character, social skills, and confidence so that I could have a different experience with women. I became a student of many dating gurus and personal development coaches.  I learned a tremendous amount about myself and my relationship to the world, including the opposite sex.  As I progressed in that realm, I also found that I began sucking more and more at online dating.

Here we are today:  I suck SO bad, it’s hard to look myself in the mirror. I cannot get a woman to respond to me unless I write something really offensive,  condescending and mean to her.  I’m not kidding. I’ve tried every approach. (case in point: the recipient of this email wrote me back last night. It wasn’t nice).

It seems like every time I write a profile for Match.com, PlentyofFish.com, or even LDSLinkup.com (remind me to tell you my favorite joke about mormon girls), I re-read it the next day and am struck at what a retarded fuck-wad douche bag I sound like. SO, I revise… and revise… and revise… and revise… and revise… and revise… and revise… and revise… and ever time I am blown away at my own incompetency at portraying myself in these little boxes they provide for you to fill out. I try being very thoughtful and structured about it.  I try relaxing and joking around. Sometimes I have a “I don’t give a shit” attitude and just write a new profile while I’m too drunk, high, or exhausted to be overly self analytical.

…too earnest.

…too cocky.

…too nerdy.

…too obscure.

….too metaphorical.

…too literal.

…too heady.

…too long.

.,.too short.

…too edgy.

…too mainstream.

…too serious.

…too ambitious.

….too chill.

…too jokey.

…too much.

…too little.

My dear friend Michelle said something to me recently that has been ricocheting around in my head for a few days:

“You know yourself better than anyone I know. Maybe too well.  Maybe that’s your problem.  Maybe you need to just dumb down and think you are awesome like the rest of us.”





I do a little better when meeting girls in person, but not much.  That’s a topic for another day…

Sometimes I just want to play on the computer and meet girls while drinking a beer in my underwear. Is that so much to ask??

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