Some people have remarked that I’ve been doing a lot of negative writing about the LDS church lately. It’s true. I’m going to come clean with you for a second about what’s fueling that fire. I have a big huge try turd in the colon of my soul, and I’m desperately trying to poop it out.
I am still really angry at / with / about The Church. I was disfellowshipped by the LDS Church many years ago for receiving a few blow jobs from a girl that I was dating seriously. I’ll spare you the details right now; it will suffice to say my bishop went back on his word and gave me the harshest punishment that the stake president would allow. I gave EVERYTHING I had, monetarily and spiritually, to repent of my “sins” and be back in the good graces of the church. There are a lot of things in my life I’ve done half ass, and this ain’t one of them. I paid the uttermost farthing.
Ultimately, my efforts were ignored and trivialized.
In the wake of this, I had an unspeakably beautiful spiritual experience in which something far bigger than me gave me a revelation of sorts… it comforted me and spoke to heart in the language of peace, light, and love. It helped me to understand that God is not at work full time in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that it is a man-made institution just like every other formalized faith, and that adherence to it is meaningless in the cosmic sense of things.
In hindsight, I do not miss the church. I never liked attending church. Ever since I was a kid, I felt like church was just a dog and pony show. I didn’t even like it on my mission. I suffered through it. I thank god for things like pen & paper, Palm Pilots, PDA’s, and smart phones, as they were the only way I could survive the tedium of random people spewing pretentious bullshit about things they clearly don’t even believe 100%. I do not miss the brain numbing ridiculousness that is church.
Brothers and sisters, I KNOW that the church is not true. I know this with every fiber of my being. And yet, I’m still furious about it. A number of deeply traumatizing things happened to me during my struggle to stay strong in the church. For some reason, I am still not over the humiliation, trivialization, neglect, condescension, & emotional abuse of what I went through at the hands of trying to be a good person as far as Mormonism had led me to define it.
I’m really tired of being angry, though. There is a tension in my heart and soul that has been there for years, and I think it’s holding me back from being the best person I can be. I desperately want to move on and have real peace about the spiritual injustices of those years. Though I can give amazing lip service to the virtue of being at peace with one’s past, I’m just not there yet all of the time. I am sometimes. But not always. I don’t know what to do.
There’s part of me that wishes I could move to another city away from my family, friends, and every other reminder of this horrible part of my life. I’d like to forget what the word “mormon” even refers to. I’d like to be in a place where nobody knows about mormons and nobody cares. But would that solve my problem? I’m an old enough soul to know that it probably wouldn’t.
In the mean time, I don’t hesitate to point out the ludicrous claims of the church and the hypocrisy of it’s members when they come into my radar. Here’s where life has become tricky lately: I’ve been meeting and befriending people who claim to be active members of the church – they will even defend it, to the point of criticizing my points of view…. and yet these same people have premarital sex and/or smoke pot and/or drink alcohol. They openly pick and choose what parts of the church they’d like to obey, and which parts they’d like to be exempt from. AND they hold callings in the church & attend the temple. Brothers and Sisters, I don’t know what scriptures you’ve been reading, or what temple recommend interview you’ve been in, or what temple ceremony you have been hearing… but that’s just not how the LDS church works. Do you feel more enlightened than your priesthood leaders? Do you feel that God has given you a free pass to lie to your bishop and stake president? How do you lie to your bishop, setting yourself up as a law unto yourself? Might “The Lord” have been speaking about you in D&C 88 ?
34 And again, verily I say unto you, that which is governed by law is also preserved by law and perfected and sanctified by the same.
35 That which breaketh a law, and abideth not by law, but seeketh to become a law unto itself, and willeth to abide in sin, and altogether abideth in sin, cannot be sanctified by law, neither by mercy, justice, nor judgment. Therefore, they must remain filthy still.
Normally I would have a particular distaste for these people. And there are a good number of Mormon hypocrites that I absolutely hate, depending on how far reaching their hypocrisies are. But there are a few that I can’t help but love, and it confuses the hell out of me. The way they live makes a total mockery of things I went through, and it’s a true mind fuck to talk with them. Are they here to teach me something? Or should I be calling them out on their hypocrisies and demanding that they cease to serve two masters? What is to be learned from these encounters?
Why am I so irritated when they fail to be perfect? That sure doesn’t say anything good about my own heart. Why can’t I just be at peace with them living their religion in a half assed way? Why should I even care? Why should I care about being expelled from an organization that is clearly not “true”?
I do not know.
I am bewildered.
I’m hurting, and I’m sick of it.
Anyway, I felt like I should bare my soul just a little bit before I unleash my next torrent of scathing condemnations of the LDS church, it’s ridiculous tenets, and the hypocrites that hold those “truths” to be self evident. I’m not being a dick just to be a dick… I’m desperately trying to make sense of it all.
Just like you.
Paul, don´t give much thoutht to it. Try to get involved in other different activities. Go out, travel, make new friends,try to read about other “cults”. JWs,for instance, have lots of similarities and common problems. As you see that other people face the same or,even worse problems than you, if you´ll feel a little more relieved and that you´re NOT absolutely the only one that has gone or is going thru this. I´ve been 2 1/2 years out of the church and,thru my own experience I can definitely assure you it certainly takes time. But, you´ll be able to do it!… Good luck and set you head up and go forth… You´ll make it!…
A couple of thoughts… The first is that I disagree with you. I think distance is a good thing, I also long to be far away where there’s no such thing as mormons, where it doesn’t affect the local flavor so much, I think distance can heal. My second thought is that I find that ignoring something, stuffing it, cramming it, hiding it, makes it bigger. Perhaps getting it out, admitting the issue exists just naturally seems to give something far less power. I hope that turns out to be true.