This may be the saddest thing I have ever seen. It was in a book about “bucket lists”, ie, things you want to do before you die:
Just look at that picture. I’m tempted to congratulate that person for being brave enough to be honest about what their heart truly longs for. At the same time, I’m not sure that this truth is going to serve them in any productive way. Part of me is very sad for them.
Truth can be an unforgiving task master.
A few weeks ago, I went to lunch with James, and old friend of mine. He told me about his fictional Facebook profile, one in which he was a hot bisexual girl, subtly clamoring for attention from people. He had extended the fictional girl’s reach to some dating websites. “She” has been getting some responses from other interested bisexual girls. He is clearly thrilled by this. If I were in a stale marriage to the only woman I’d ever had sex with, a woman that I was no longer that attracted to, I’d probably be thrilled at this kind of thing, too. James asked me to use his studio to do a nude photo shoot of some girl that he had lined up. He asked me to lie to his wife for him, should she ever ask what was going on. He explained that “she would be very upset, considering the situation she’s in” (she’s pregnant with their 4th child).
James fully understands the gravity of what he’s doing, and the possible ramifications. It’s DISGUSTING to me, particularly because he’s usually one of the first to wave the Mormon flag when given the opportunity.
I’m very tempted to judge him. After all, Ive been down the road of the lack luster marriage. I know what it’s like to have married at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons, only to get the wrong results. I know what it’s like to lay awake at night wondering “what if” while my wife sleeps next to me. I’ve been down the road of telling little lies to my spouse in order to get my way, to avoid her scorn, to try to “protect her” from the truth. It is a very special kind of Hell that Satan himself couldn’t concoct.
Initially, this blog entry was supposed to be about living so that you have no regrets, but then the subject of James was on the tip of my tongue. This is about judgement. Yeah, this is a warning to avoid getting into marriage before you are ready, with the wrong person / wrong time / wrong reasons, but it’s also about judgement.
For the same reason that I HAVE been down a very similar road*, maybe I should not judge him. I know how awkward and stranded it can feel to be in his shoes.
My knee jerk reaction to James was scorn. The more I think about this, the more I realize that there is a very dark part of my own heart that has failed to be compassionate, and has motivated me to write this blog in a public forum. I’m literally processing this as I write it, in real time.
I’ve been persecuted and judged before by people “who should have been more compassionate”. I hesitated exactly zero seconds to lambast them as hypocrites of the most filthy order. THEY SHOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD. They were casting stones in a glass house. They should have been more compassionate toward me.
The more I think about this, the more humiliated I am that I would feel any sort of angst that would cause me to even think of judging him or acting critically. I’ve been there. I should understand. The only reason I’m going to leave this post is because I’m really working on following the challenge a dear friend gave me to be more vulnerable in my writing.
All I can hear right now is the indictment of the Master…
James, I understand where you are at. You’re on your own for this one, buddy. I won’t judge you, but I won’t help either.
* For those of you wondering, my own divorce had nothing to do with cameras or infidelity. It stemmed from my immaturity and inability to communicate honestly when we were under stress. Aside from being horribly passive aggressive and emotionally abusive to each other, we were totally faithful to each other.