Two kinds of giving up, two different paths

The Blog

Viewing posts from the The Blog category

Two kinds of giving up, two different paths


Swiping left and right as a 40 yr old dude is interesting business. I’m open to dating a rather wide range of ages. It’s an interesting vantage point to observe the feminine trajectory.  (these observations probably apply to men as well, but since I’ve only gone swiping for ladies, that’s all I’m going to talk about. Transpose as you may.)

40-ish is a fascinating fork in the road. Women tend to head off in one of two directions:  Those who have given up, and those who have let go – and they are TOTALLY different.

The first group are those who hit a point where they have decided that their world view is the final word. In their frustration and exhaustion, they made up their mind that “this is just how life is” and began making their quasi-peace with it. These women, seemingly overnight, go from being young women to old ladies. The essence of femininity is growth, ebb and flow, change… They’ve given up on exploration and their femininity withers on the vine.

There are women who have let go, and they are totally different. It’s hard to tell how old they are – they have a youthful something-about-them that would inspire the appetite of any young man in his sexual prime, yet they exude a wisdom and confidence that young women can only imitate, at best. To say she loves herself is one degree from the truth – she IS love. It manifests as nurturing and fierceness. She’s young enough not to care too much about the way things used to be – the past has no claim on her. She’s old enough not to care too much about what anyone thinks of her. She knows who she is and her definition of her identity is completely independent of other people or things. She may have done many laps around the sun; those laps have just made her more hot.  She has let go of all of the notions of what she “ought to be” and finds pure joy in being what she IS.

One is a slave to what “ought to be” and has given up trying. The other has let go of what “ought to be” and just IS. She is magnificent – the mother of all living – whether they be children or ideas or causes.

Share this with your people:

A Mormon Family that Drinks Together, Stays Together

I was born of goodly Mormon parents. Sometimes, it takes getting drunk around them to realize just how good they are.

When I call myself the “Crossdressing Mormon Anarchist”, I’m only partially kidding around.  Like any Jew who carries the card but only attends Synagogue during Yom Kippur, Mormonism is my heritage. It’s basically an ethnicity. They are my people. My parents, and grandparents on both sides of my family all served missions for the LDS Church. My great great grandfather is a famous Mormon pioneer; he was one of Brigham Young’s hit men. The foundational stories of my parent’s lives as individuals, and as a couple, are rooted in The Church. Mormonism runs thick in our blood, which means that as far as orthodoxy is concerned, things like alcohol, should never run in our blood.

One of the main tenets of Mormonism is the idea that via Temple marriage,  families can be together forever – after death, in heaven. As a kid, that failed to make sense to me in several ways, but the foremost reason was that I really didn’t like my family that much. I regarded them as bunk mates assigned by the drill sergeant of life circumstance – and as soon as bootcamp ended, I’d leave and probably not give them a second thought. The Mormon Church attempting to incentivize righteous living with the reward of an eternal family felt like my mom trying to bribe me to clean my room by promising that she’d take me to have a root canal as a reward.

As adults, it was no secret that my brother and sister had left Mormonism by the wayside. My mother used to call me her “last hope” for having a kid that would carry on a legacy of “righteousness”.  Many years ago, my own falling away became known to the family. This was ushered in one Christmas night as we were wrapping up a family party. My parents went home, my daughters returned to their mother’s house, leaving just the three of us kids together. Wine emerged from Camille’s cupboard. Glasses were poured, glasses were raised and we partook of the goodness of the grape together for the first time. Something shifted in a way that’s difficult to account for – it may suffice to say that we found ourselves three grown adults with things in common that only we could have. It’s like some kind of pretense disappeared and left us honest. I found new friendship in my brother and sister. From that day forward, I’ve enjoyed their companionship in a way that starts to give ironic legitimacy to the promises of the church.

You need to know right now that my mom prays for me every night. And Camille. And Mikey… not just that we’ll be happy and safe, but a particular kind of happy & safe: In my Mom’s experience, Orthodoxy in the church is akin to getting enough vitamin C. I’ll say this – that absolutely IS her experience, it is her reality. The Church, the community of people that are the church – have been really good to my parents, and they’ve been good to it. I would never want it to go away, for their sake… it defines and supports their lives –  but that’s another story for another day. My sweet mother prays for us with the energy of a good mom whose sole desire is that her offspring thrive – thrive in the only way she knows how. She means really, really well. I seriously adore my Mother.  Every week that Camille, Mike, and I do not engage with The Church, I imagine she must feel like a failure. How can she not? Her purpose in life is defined in terms of dedication to The Church.

I have dedicated my life to authenticity. There are many rewards that come from living authentically (again, another story for another day). One of the dark prices I pay for living authentically is the knowledge that I regularly disappoint my mother, break her heart, even.

During a recent trip with the whole family to visit Camille, her husband and her awesome little boys in Mesa:

Mike and I decided to let everyone take a rest. We took over the kitchen to prepare a feast for our family. In preparation, we hit the grocery store.

One of the things I love about shopping outside of Utah is the experience of being treated like a true grown up.  The Kroger store was just like my beloved Smith’s at home, but had a very large isle of wine and liquor that echoed the candy isle in any Utah grocery store (we don’t drink our feelings away, but we eat them away like a motherfucker. Diabetes is our religion’s disease of choice).  IT WAS GLORIOUS. Mike bought thin sliced pork chops, whiskey, and a 30 rack of beer. I stocked up on  garlic, tomatoes, onions, basil, pasta, bread, and wine.

I adore the process of drinking, conversing, and cooking with, and for, people I care about.  Mikey and I spread out and started chopping, cutting, simmering and searing a spread of ciabatta with balsamic vinegar & olive oil; marinara from scratch over penne; seasoned & breaded pork chops . We took our time. Meal prep included a first course of cold beers, followed by whiskey. As dinner neared completion, I opened the wine and had a couple of glasses.  Four drinks just while cooking? Hell yes. We come from Viking stock and can handle our liquor. Let’s pour a fifth as we dish up and consider it an apéritif, shall we? Cheers!

I paused and took inventory:

Beers: 2

whiskey shots: 1

glasses of wine: 2

crusty looks / lectures from parents: 0

There were my parents – enjoying time with us, loving us, without conditions – IN the conditions of us kids flagrantly behaving in ways that offend some of their deepest sensibilities, hopes, and dreams. This was a defining characteristic of Christ – he was criticized for breaking bread with sinners. Each week, my parents partake of bread and water (used to wine in the early days of the church, but any liquid will suffice for symbolism) that has been blessed in the following way:

O God, the Eternal Father, we ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread to the souls of all those who partake of it, that they may eat in remembrance of the body of thy Son, and witness unto thee, O God, the Eternal Father, that they are willing to take upon them the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given them; that they may always have his Spirit to be with them. Amen.

They were, in the most literal, and possibly painfully personal sense, about to break bread with sinners. Not a single lecture nor word nor gesture nor any hint of disapproval. Just love. We had a wonderful dinner, told stories, and truly enjoyed one another’s company in a way that exceeded every lofty and empty idea of “family time” from my cold hearted childhood.  I raised my glass of wine to my lips and partook of my own personal sacrament of gratitude and witness that my parents were, in that very moment, not just claiming Christianity, but DOING Christianity. This is what it looks like to take up the name of Christ and always remember Him, and this is what it’s like to have His spirit.

Mom, Dad, you’ll probably never read this, but if you do, I hope you can see that the quality of your character has not been lost on me for a second. I’m profoundly grateful. Not everyone has been blessed like I have with parents as exceptional as you. To everyone else  – this is it. This is what it looks like. This is how it’s done.

much love –

Paul Duane


Want more exclusive insights? Want to support the show? Get my monthly handwritten newsletter, delivered via USPS in your mail box. Nothing electronic about it:

Share this with your people:

What is keeping you from your greatest potential?

I get asked a lot, “How can I live a more authentic life?”  I’d like to guide you through a short thought experiment that will open the door to finding your own truth about this.  Be someplace where you can be deep in thought for about 300 seconds. You will need a piece of paper and a pen or an electronic device you keep notes in.

Imagine moving to a new city of your choosing via time machine. Pretend that it’s 1983 and social media doesn’t exist, so, your reputation does not follow you to this new home. Nobody knows who you are and nobody has any expectations of you, yet. You could be the town bum or a visiting celebrity, for all they know. You have a completely clean slate in every way.

  • How would you show up?
  • Would you change your name?
  • What work would you seek out?
  • Who would you date?
  • How would you vote?
  • What social circles would you want to be in?
  • Would you change anything about your appearance?
  • Would you act differently?
  • How would you introduce yourself at parties?
  • What kind of reputation would you seek to create for yourself?

Close your eyes and really sink into this imagination of yourself for a few minutes until all of your senses are involved.

  • What does this reality smell like?
  • What sensations come into contact with your skin in this version of reality?
  • What sights do you see on a regular basis?
  • What does it sound like? Do you commonly hear ocean waves? Aircraft? Galloping horses? Children playing?
  • What flavors cross your palate in this version of life? (mine involves a lot of mango salsa)
  • For you ambitious dreamers…. what does your sixth sense feel like in this new reality? What spiritual knowings and experiences do you have as this version of you?

This will start to feel really good. Once you can hear, smell, touch, see, and even taste this alternate reality, sit back and play in it for another few moments.  Let your heat, mind, and soul marinate in the imaginations of your senses.



Apparently you’ve had enough and have opened your eyes again. Welcome back!
Compare the alternate version of reality you just imagined.  What are the factors that are keeping you from showing up in THIS world, like that, today? Name them. Write them down. Seriously. Right now. There’s something about seeing them as words in front of your eyes that will be good for your soul.
Look at your list of reasons.
These are the things holding you back from your deepest authenticity, and your full power as a human being. I know they are all rooted in good intentions, but that’s not the point. Do not judge the reasons. They are not good or bad, they just ARE.  Just stare them in the eyes.  I’m not suggesting that you eject all of these things from your life today; quite the opposite. Maintain your status quo for now. Today it will be sufficient to become very honest about the role they play in your life. Does it make you uncomfortable to see some of these things on the page?
It should – and that’s totally okay.

Before today, you had secret, unspoken agreements with them to make compromises in your life. I promise you this – even if you decide to keep some of these things in your life, your relationship to these things will only get better as you become brutally honest about the little deals you’ve made with them.  No more secret deals in your soul.
Pull all those contracts up and put them on the table under a good lamp. Read them. Brush up on the terms of those deals. Aside from freak accidents, everything that’s in your life right now is something you’ve either signed up for, or allowed to stay.  Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, awkward, or whatever. Just get comfortable with the discomfort of knowing these are the things you’ve allowed to stand between you, and the fullest, most glorious, powerful version of you. This will probably take some time.
Maybe a few days, months, years, even.
That’s the first step in moving into your full authenticity, your full majestic power.
You are a God in embryo.
Don’t think there’s anything righteous about playing small –
Your potential is massive beyond your comprehension and that’s the final truth of the matter.
I hope you’ll give yourself permission to start looking toward that light –
Your own light.
That’s all for today.

Come back soon and we’ll discuss more.

much love –

Paul Duane


If this is a topic you are keenly interested in, consider joining my email list. I’m in the process of writing a book about this topic. The email list is the best way to stay in the loop with updates on the book and related events.

Share this with your people:

Q&A: Halloween, Straight guys and Dresses

Time for some Crossdresser Q&A:

David from Provo writes:

“I’m a straight white married mormon guy. I’m well respected at home, at work, and at church. Even though I’m straight, I’ve always wanted to express my feminine side but am afraid of what people will think, being a straight guy and all. Any advice?”

For closeted crossdressers like you, David, There is one time of year that you can dress up in all of girly things and maintain your manly dignity with some plausible deniability.


The possibilities are endless! You can be a slutty librarian, a slutty Laura Croft Tomb Raider, or a slutty flight attendant though – stay away from the slutty airline captain. That would be super gay.

If you are serious about staying off the gaydar, this is the No Homo Bro Golden Rule:

Dress like the person you are hoping to fornicate with. This rule applies to the gays and the straights equally.

Sure, some amateurs out there might accuse you of being gay when you show up to the office party dressed like a slutty (ier) version of Miley Cyrus… but I assure you:

Walk into a gay club in your Miley get-up, and all of the pro homos will leave you alone, for the most part. They get it.  Show up as a sexy Billy Ray Cyrus, however….  

When you go shopping, Don’t buy ALL of the size 13 high heels, though. You’ll look like Miami resident stocking up on a month’s worth of food to prepare for the landfall of Hurricane RuPaul.

Your make life hard for normal, full time crossdressers like me when you buy up all of the nylons and heels in large sizes that really only fit men. Take it easy bro.

Try shopping online. Aside from her birthday and Valentine’s Day, this is the one time of year your wife can catch you perusing Fredericks of

You can just tell your woman, “Hey baby, it’s for halloween. I’m going to the church halloween party as a slutty nun. “

Other times of year, you’ve gotta either go incognito (which I’m sure you are totally pro at, by now) or every now and then all of those hours of perusing the the plus size section of Victoria’s Secret and Lane  – you’ve gotta produce something for her.  I’m thinking, for every 10 hours you spend internet window shopping for yourself, you’d better click “buy” on something in her size, bro.

The year is long though, fellas, and should you find yourself shopping for a new skirt in the middle of summer, craft your alibi from the words of Gandhi:  “it’s for my wife”.

Have a question that you want me to weigh in on? Go here. Pour your heart out. 

Tune in to the ALT 101.9 Morning Show from 6-10 AM Mon-Fri. Great stuff.



Share this with your people:

Happy International Podcast Day!

It’s International Podcast Day! My journey as a podcaster started back in my mailman days:
Delivering the mail means 10 – 12 hours / day of putting paper that nobody wants into boxes that nobody checks unless they are having a pizza coupon emergency. It’s a tedious job and it’s mandated by the Constitution. The only way I kept my sanity was to listen to audio books and podcasts.
Lots of podcasts.
Comedy & Libertarian podcasts, in fact.
This was during the 2008 and 2012 Presidential elections. Two massive epiphanies came from those years of soaking up comedy and Libertarian media:
1. I realized that sooner or later I’d have to make an attempt at doing stand up comedy
2. Libertarians have beautiful ideas and are absolutely idiotic in their ability to communicate them to the public and the media.
I made up my mind that someday, some how, I would become involved in the media and help put the sex back in Libertarianism. My assumption is that I’d do this via photography.
Fast forward to September 2013: I got home from Burning Man and the next day, sat down behind a live mic for the first time as a talk show host at K-Talk 630 AM radio. I’ll never forget that first day. Again, two things were crystal clear to me:
3. I instantly felt at home in the studio behind the mic
4. Radio was not a destination, but a training ground. I would learn the craft, grow and audience, and then take them with me into the podcast world, with the vision of producing my own show. I had no idea how much time that would take, but the path was clear in my mind from the very beginning.
Fast forward to today:
The Paul Duane Show, in it’s podcast form, is officially 3 years old this month! I’ve been privileged to have hundreds of conversations that have expanded my mind. I have thousands of listeners every month, from countries all around the world. My show is not only available on iTunes and the other major podcasting outlets, it is syndicated by The Liberty Radio Network – My show is now featured on one of the podcasting networks I used to listen to back in my mailman days. It still seems unreal some days. The Paul Duane Show rubs shoulders with other great Libertarians like Penn Jillette. Along with the Internet Radio syndication through, we are are broadcast via satellite over all of North America, Central America, and most of Africa. Every month I get emails from people all around the world thanking me for what I do. I’m deeply humbled and grateful for the opportunity to share these ideas to my fellow travelers here on Spaceship Planet Earth.
Along with the podcast, other broadcasting opportunities have come, such as my ongoing comedy series on the ALT 101.9 Morning Show as The Crossdressing Mormon Anarchist. It’s an odd thing to contemplate that my ideas and voice start here at my desk, and somehow end up being spread out all around Spaceship Planet Earth, through the air, and over copper wires, into the ears of people I’ll never meet. I want to say something really funny here, but at the moment I am pensive and grateful. David Letterman said it best:
“I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”
I’m passionate about human freedom. Everything I do, everything I create, whether it’s a radio show, podcast, photo shoot, or dick joke, is done with a mind toward increasing the freedom of individuals and society.
If you’ve ever listened to an episode, thank you. If you’ve ever told a friend about the show, THANK YOU. If you’ve been a financial supporter of the show – I give you my deepest gratitude. 2017 will be a great year for the show! I hope you’ll join me for the ride.
much love –
Paul Duane
P.S. If you haven’t already I invite you to subscribe to the podcast via  iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher or TuneIn
P.S.S. For those of you who’d like more – and want to support the show – subscribe to my monthly handwritten newsletter. It’s exclusive, it’s NSA spy proof, and it’s delivered via USPS Mail.

Share this with your people:

The Power of Words

It’s happening!
Your biggest dreams.
Your worst nightmares.
America is getting better.
America is getting worse.
You are about to meet the love of your life.
You are unlovable.
Whatever you are CONVINCED is happening, is happening.
Words have power – they are that transition stage between the embryo of idea, and the finished physical reality. All tragedies and all masterpieces go through this same process.
Idea –> Word –> Reality
Ideas don’t turn themselves into reality;
Humans have to put energy into the ideas to manufacture them into the world of 3 dimensions.
First it’s emotional energy, and then that leads to physical energy.
WORDS are like a coloring book – we humans then show up and fill in the black and white lines with the colors of our emotional and then, physical energy.
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
We are creators. Miniature Gods of our own small realms of influence.
Words are the way our creations – be they evil or good – are first manifest into the world.
Mastering the power of the WORD is an essential step toward becoming more powerful creators… of becoming more like the most skilled creator of all.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say.
I’ve found this principle to be secret of my successes and the fuel for all of my failures.
Vote for Gary Johnson.
much love –
Paul Duane

Share this with your people:

Senator Mark Madsen leaves GOP for Libertarian Party

It’s a good day in the Freedom movement, my friends. Utah Senator Mark Madsen held a press conference to announce that he’s leaving the Republican Party and officially changing his affiliation to the Libertarian Party.  I had the good fortune of being able to photograph the press conference.

The following day, 26 July, Senator Madsen and his wife Erin joined me in the studio at KTalk 630 to talk about his switch.  We had a severe technical problem with our audio feed; part of the interview was rendered unusable. We were able to preserve a large part of the interview; though the audio quality is not optimal, you still can hear it.

At any rate, these are exciting times in the Liberty movement! Gary Johnson and Bill Weld continue to pick up steam. Remember – in your conversations with people about the presidential candidates, focus your energy on sharing the positives of why you believe Gary Johnson is the best man for the job. Don’t spend time nitpicking Trump and Hillary. That’s old news. Let’s invest our time educating people about the principles of freedom. Focus on the positive (even though it’s really, super duper, uber hard to refrain from picking on the negatives right now. I know. I feel your pain.  🙂

Share this with your people:

The Crossdressing Mormon Anarchist

Do you have a question or comment? Leave it here and I’ll respond to you – I might even answer it on the show.

[contact-form-7 404 "Not Found"]

Supporters of the show get my handwritten newsletter in the mail every month:


[wdi_feed id=”3″]


Share this with your people:

America’s Gun Problem

As the Crossdressing Mormon Anarchist, I have a few things to say about America and it’s gun problem:

Share this with your people:

Taboo Topics, Social Media and a Pretty Girl

I’ve been feeling the wind start to shift for a while now. That shift is becoming more apparent.  A few days ago, I posted a photo from a recent shoot on Facebook and Instagram.  It got banned for “violating community standards” (pornography). Here is the image. Judge for yourself.  Yeah it’s sexy, but it’s also well within the standards. I’m not sure who reported it, or why the moderators at Instagram & Facebook proceeded to remove the photo. One way or the other, it’s a reminder that those platforms are not mine. I’m a guest in their house, and I have to play by their rules, no matter how stupidly or incorrectly they apply them._DSC1617_v2_BW final_edit_1500w 72ppi

I have two other friends who are very polarizing public figures who have depended on Facebook for their business, who have been severely harassed by Facebook. Cat Palmer, a controversial photographer and artist in SLC, had her Facebook page permanently disabled because someone accused her of impersonating…. herself.  Seems like that should be pretty easy for Facebook to sort out, but, no.  She lost 7 years of audience and community building and had to start a new Facebook account from scratch.  Men’s coach Sean Whalen was banned for 5 days for a mere controversial political post.  It’s a well known fact that Facebook and Instagram (Instagram is owned by Facebook, by the way), use algorithms to determine what you do and don’t see in your news feed. THEY DECIDE.  Facebook has become the mainstream media.

I’ll pass, thanks.

Though I’ll continue to use all of the social media platforms, here’s how it’s going to be moving forward:  What you see on social media will just be a watered down version of my work. If you want the full strength stuff, you’ll have to come here, to my website.

Things are getting crazy out there, ladies & gentlemen. Every week I’m a bit more amazed at how insane the world is becoming. Our society is quickly spiraling downward into a state of handing over our liberties for the illusion of security. This is a dark place that never ends well.

AND YET – I am hopeful!  As crazy as things are, many brilliant opportunities, technologies, ideas, and leaders are emerging!

The fact that you are even here reading this leads me to believe you are one of the few in society who care about social progress, life, love, and liberty. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t like or care about my work. The way I see it, you and I are freedom fighters. This next war is not going to be fought with guns, though – it will be fought with ideas.  The battle ground is the life of the individual. The social progress we all crave will not come from the top down anymore. That’s an old paradigm that has died. The revolution will happen from the bottom up. One liberated individual at a time.

My goal is to create things that make you smile, inspire you, and ultimately, help you share the ideas of life, love and liberty in a fun way with the people in your circle. You are a leader. My goal is to help YOU become a more effective leader of those in your world. 


Sex, politics, and religion… these are the taboo topics. The things you get in trouble for bringing up at family dinner. So often the sensitive topics are the very ones that need to be discussed. So often these topics are the battle ground for freedom in the 21st century. It’s CRITICAL that you and I become very skilled at discussing difficult ideas in a way that relaxes and inspires people, rather than putting them on the defense. It’s my hope that the podcasts, books, photographs, and comedy that I create will help you facilitate that.

I’ve relied a lot on Facebook to put out word about new stuff over the past few years. It’s proving to be less and less reliable, and I have no faith of that improving, so it’s time to get serious about the email list.  If you want to receive email notifications about cool new things, get on board my mailing list:

Receive updates from Paul Duane:
* indicates required

You should receive a confirmation email from me within 2 or 3 minutes of signing up. Be sure to send back the confirmation AND add my email address to your white list / approved / safe email address list.

That being said, welcome 😉

Here are some more of the photos from my shoot with Allison, for your viewing pleasure.

Makeup by Amber Dawn Powell

Hosiery by Cecilia de Rafael &



Share this with your people: