What does a Mormon girl do when she finds out you drink beer?

coffee

There’s an old joke:

Q: What does a Mormon girl do when she finds out that you drink beer?

A: She puts her pants back on and storms out of your truck.

True story, folks.

I know so many Mormons that will do this:

what mormon girls do on dates

But they are steadfast and strong in refusing to do this: 


Or this:

 

 

 

Now, I know what some of you are thinking.  This is not how all Mormons are. This is not what the church teaches.  You think I’m being mean. Look, if I had not seen this first hand on many occasions, and observed it as a 3rd party on countless occasions, I would not be writing this.

Sometimes truth is stranger, and MUCH funnier, than fiction, folks.

This is one of the things I’ll really miss when I move from Utah…. Mormons have extremely strict prohibitions on sexual behavior, rooted in scripture. In the eyes of Mormonism, sexual sins are so severe, “modern prophets” have even said it would be better for your son or daughter to die, than for them to commit a sexual sin. Read more about that here. Let’s consider the story of Alma lecturing his sexually mischievous son, Corianton: 

(for my non Mormon readers, the following excerpt is from The Book Of Mormon and is considered a sacred piece of doctrine. Excerpt taken from Alma chapter 39)

3. Thou didst do that which was grievous unto me; for thou didst forsake the ministry, and did go over into the land of Siron… after the harlot Isabel.

5. Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?

Geez. I wonder just how hot Isabel was…  mmm…. Isabel….

Sorry. I got sidetracked.

And now let us look at the scripture that Mormons refer to in their insistence upon abstinence from coffee and alcohol consumption:

(For my non Mormon readers, the following text is believed by Mormons to be a revelation given directly from God to Joseph Smith, regarding a code of health that people must follow to be worthy in the eyes of God. It’s referred to as “The Word Of Wisdom”. The following excerpt is taken from the Doctrine and Covenants, chapter 89)

1.  A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

2.  To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

3. Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.

16.  All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

17.  Nevertheless, wheat for man, and corn for the ox, and oats for the horse, and rye for the fowls and for swine, and for all beasts of the field, and barley for all useful animals, and for mild drinks, as also other grain.

Let’s see… what mild drink is made with barley?  Hmmmm…..  Let’s see. Beer, maybe?  PERHAPS? God does mention that other grain can be used to make these mild drinks, too. 

WHICH REMINDS ME, the good folks at Squatter’s Brewery in Salt Lake City make a delightful gluten free sorghum beer. Apparently they followed The Lord’s advice and have tried some other grain in making their mild drinks. It’s delicious!

I digress.

So, we’ve got a huge contingent of mormon people who constantly fuck, but they vehemently stay away from coffee, tea, alcohol, and even caffeinated soda.  It’s hilarious.

SO…. for those of you who’ve never visited Salt Lake City before, I give you the Official FUPD Guide to Salt Lake City’s Hottest Tourist Attraction:

here’s one of the best tourist attractions you can experience:

1. Go to www.LDSLinkup.com  or www.LDSSingles.com  about 2 weeks before you come to visit Utah.  Set up a profile. Don’t bother being too specific about whether or not you are actually an active Mormon, but do say that you at least occasionally go to church. Mormon girls will fuck other active Mormons 459% faster than they will fuck a catholic or agnostic. Be sure to put up your hottest pic of yourself flexing shirtless in the mirror, along with a pic of you playing frisbee with your dog in the park.

2. Do your thing. Send a few emails. Flirt. Tell the Mormon girls they have really nice tits.  They say they hate it when you talk like that, but they actually love it.  Mention your relationship with God and something about prayer now and then, too. Tell them you want to take them out for frozen yogurt when you get into town.

3. Arrive in SLC. Call your new Mormon lady friends. Get that froyo. It’s all downhill from here.

4. Start making out. Act like you are trying to resist the temptation. Say something like you and your bishop have a really good relationship.  In no time, she’ll be sucking your testes dry as if she was sun parched, stranded on a deserted island, and she just found the last potable water inside the last 2 coconuts on the island.

5. After you’ve fucked yourselves raw, wander down to the bar of your hotel with her. Order 2 Bud Lights.  She won’t touch it.  Nor will she touch a glass of white zinfandel, Nor an AMF, not even a cup of hot water that’s been run through some ground up roasted beans. Nope. She obeys the “Word of Wisdom”. She’s an active Mormon, mind you.

This girl will be having a caffeine free Diet coke, thank you very much.

You can thank me later.

 

 

 

 

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Paul Duane

Paul Duane is a photographer, writer, and talk show host based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

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