uh… Houston, we have a problem

In the course of human history, there are certain events and endeavors that we invest tremendous amounts of thought & energy into.  Like launching rockets…

…or nailing wood.

…or flying blimps.

Blimp crashes really suck, for instance. Really bummed a lot of humanity out.

 Once upon a time, I found myself in a situation that I had only dreamed about.

All of the sudden, it was happening in real life.  It was amazing and beautiful…. even kind of magical. It was REALLY really, really important to me that things go well.  

 

I think it might have been important to her, too.

 

It didn’t.

There really aren’t any words to describe the profound frustration…

 

….of being SO CLOSE…

…to something you want SO BADLY…

…and not being able to have it.

It’s a special kind of stupid that you feel.

As in all great tournaments, early in the season, you can afford to lose a few games.

 But there comes a point in the season where it becomes important to win the key games.

 I have missed some shots in the past and not stressed about it too much.

Recently, I find myself really, really, really wanting to win.

Sometimes it feels like everyone is winning but me. 

 

 Winning is not just about my own gratification…

 I want my team mate to taste success, too… often more than I want it for myself. 

 

It’s time to figure this out.

 

No more of this.

This is fucking humiliating.

The only reason I’m sharing is that I know that some of you can relate to this.

 I’ve had guy and girl friends tell me about their experiences with disappointing landings.  This blog is more about my processes than my destinations. To that end, I’m sharing this in the hopes that it helps someone else along the way.

I have a new found zeal for “winning”. I’ve been doing some research and have found that my lifestyle incorporates several beloved risk factors that contribute to poor performance.  My spirit is oh-so-willing.  It’s no longer acceptable for my flesh to be weak. It’s time to restore myself to the powerhouse I used to be.

During my time working for the US Postal Service, I picked up a number of super shitty habits and risk factors that have silently accrued into a performance sapping lifestyle:

  • stress: I worked 10 – 12 hrs / day, 6 days / week for 4 years solid. On top of this, I ran my photo business, tried to be a father, played in a band, and managed to keep a reasonably active social life.
  • sleep: 4 hours / night for 4 years.  I didn’t have time to sleep. I was busy!
  • alcohol: I enjoy the taste of several adult beverages. I drink a little bit every day. Every now and then I drink a lot.
  • ganga: I really don’t go through that much of it, but lately I’ve been doing it more.
  • diet: I ate like a garbage dumpster rat during my time at USPS, and it shows.  3 weeks ago I made the transition to the Paleo Diet. I haven’t blogged about it, or mentioned it on Facebook, because I fucking hate people who announce every time they eat a healthy meal or go to the gym.  It may suffice to say that I have already experienced some great benefits from the Paleo diet. I love how I feel when I feed my body right. My mind is much clearer now that I’ve eliminated grains, dairy, and table sugar from my meals.  That’s all the motivation I need to stay on it, but as it turns out, there are additional rewards to be had.
  • exercise: since I started doing photography full time, I tend to spend the majority of my waking hours sitting at a desk. There is an unending flow of busy work when you run your own business.  I’ve neglected to spend some time sweating and making my blood pump hard.

I’m not going to get involved in any kiss-and-tell. This is not about her, anyway.  “Her” might just be a hypothetical. If there is a “her”, and if she’s reading this, she would know who she is. This is about me and my explorations in becoming more awesome. I’m going to make some changes that are feeling like sacrifices right now. I am totally undisciplined about my sleep schedule and getting exercise.  The reality is that booze and smoking weed are things that I enjoy a lot. It will be a bummer to go without them…

…But being awesome for her is more valuable.

…but it’s not just for her. It’s for me.  It’s for my kids. It’s for my friends.  I have a lot of people to be healthy for in this life.

I’m going to do an experiment.  I’m going to eliminate booze and weed for a while.  I want to see what happens.  I’m going to get my blood pumping hard every day. I’m going to adopt a more regimented sleep schedule.  I’m going to keep rocking the Paleo diet.

I’ll probably post some kind of a follow up to this in a few weeks.

You know.

In the name of science.

Or, in the words of the great Tenacious D:

Short URL: http://goo.gl/GtRGI

Paul Duane

Paul Duane is a photographer, writer, and talk show host based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *