Dating Paul Duane Orientation Packet

My brilliant cousin Melissa wrote a blog the other day that I MUST re post part of. This will become part of the official Dating Paul Duane Orientation Packet.

Ladies, please pick up a packet at the table by the door and take a seat.  Please turn to page 17, and spend the next five minutes reviewing the Crazy Checklist:

Behold… The “Crazy List.”  [ by Melissa Jensen ]

1- Calling a guy incessantly if he doesn’t call you back.
Ladies… if he doesn’t call you back after two calls….. CONTROL YOUR FINGERS. Do NOT call him again. Also, this goes for texting. And for God’s sake, if the guy actually asks you to not contact him again, really…. don’t contact him again. Doing so will get you thrown on the crazy train instantly.

2- Not being able to make up your mind.
Texting or calling a guy and telling him how into him you are, and then an hour later, telling him you are not into him anymore, and that you feel it is best to not talk anymore, no matter how good you believe your reasoning is… makes you look crazy. Make up your mind. Either you like the guy and you are going to date him to see if it turns into anything, or you don’t. Period. This also extends to the fun game so many of us women love to play… the “Fuck you, and leave… but please don’t really leave even though I just told you to… And if you do actually leave, then really… fuck you.” All a guy hears when you say that jumbled phrase, is “Fuck you. Leave.” Which 90% of the time, they will. So when he does leave, your choice is to suck it up, and lay in the bed you just made because you did, just make it. Watch your words. If you are not 100% completely clear that you want him to leave, then don’t tell him to. It is as simple as that.

3- Acting like you are in a relationship after two dates.
You went on two dates. That means NOTHING to a guy, and should mean nothing to you. Going on two dates does not give you the right to start asking his whereabouts, or asking about him and other women, and definitely should not stop you from still dating others in your life.

4- Using the phrase “You used me.”
No matter if he did or didn’t, using this phrase to a guy, inevitable makes you crazy because what I have learned, from the guys point of view, you were not used. You had consensual hang outs, sex, whatever it may have been between you two, and it was consensual, because you showed up. You dropped your pants. You hung out with him the whole night. To the guy, if you didn’t want to do any of the above, you wouldn’t. Makes sense to me….

5- Telling your ex you want him to be happy and move on, but when he does, you punish him for it.
This is one that I have definitely done in the past, and am not proud of. In the moment of trying to act like you don’t care about the guy anymore,and that you are the “bigger person,” it is really easy to say something like “I really do just want you to be happy… even if that isn’t with me.” Well let’s be honest, how many times do we actually mean that when we say it? Probably never. So in this case, to avoid the “crazy,” when you break up with a guy, or stop dating, just walk away. Turn around and walk away. Don’t text him, don’t call him to try and prove you really are the bigger person, because when the moment comes up where you actually have to be that person, you will probably fail. Summary: It is easier to not put your foot in your mouth in the first place, than having to try and pull it out… while not looking crazy.

6- “My crazy actions are your fault.”
The only person that controls you, is you. You are accountable for every action you take in every moment.. Thus saying “I only did or said _______ because you did or said _______” just doesn’t work. There is nothing a guy or a guy can’t do that can force you to act anyway. Summary: Think before you act. Be proactive, not reactive.

7- Saying you’re not crazy, while being crazy.

Do you think by saying it, it will convince the guy you’re not? Really, save yourself the embarrassment and either don’t say anything at all, or admit your craziness and own it.

8- “I’m pregnant” even though I’m not.
Faking a pregnancy is probably the quickest way to certifiably diagnose you as crazy. Also, to get the guy to run as fast as he can from you. Although a woman may think that a guy hearing he has a fake unborn child swimming in your belly will make him want to nurture you, it will most likely make him want to punch you.. in your ovaries.

9- I’m pregnant, and you didn’t know I planned this.
Please refer to number 8, however, also, along with a punch in your ovaries, you should plan on never getting child support, nor having a father for your child, or ever having his respect again… Just to be safe.

10- Showing up at his place unexpected.
Do you really want to look like Chuckee standing at his doorstep? Because if you show up announced, you will. And…. entering a man’s domain without permission is like someone posting all of your 6,000 bathroom photos to FB. It is a complete violation. Respect his space.

And last but not least……

11- Involving his friends.
Leave his friends alone. Do you really need more people on his side agreeing with his belief that you are crazy? No. If you need anyone on your side at this point, it is his friends. So… leave them alone. Simple.

Although this list is short, and could probably be extended to 30 items, I think if you avoid these 10 while dating a guy, your percentage of being called “crazy” will decrease significantly.

Bottom line….acting crazy, is by far, the quickest way to get a guy to lose interest in you. Period. There is absolutely nothing attractive about you letting your hormones get the best of you, and then putting those hormones into action.

Time to implement some self-control before we have no reputation left.

[ see the original post here: ]


Okay, ladies, if you have done 2 or more of the following during the last 6 months, please excuse yourself and leave the room, Paul Duane’s crazy threshhold  is 2 or less.

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Paul Duane

Paul Duane is a photographer, writer, and talk show host based in Salt Lake City, Utah.

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